I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
