It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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