oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
