I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
