I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Randomize
