Where did you get a picture of my penis
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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