I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
