I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
