...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
