no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
