youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
