So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Randomize
