An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
