he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
