ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
