It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
