i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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