Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
