I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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