remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
