I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
