i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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