Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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