I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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