Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
