I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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