oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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