Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Randomize
