About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
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