Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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