I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
