this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
