Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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