You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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