there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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