On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
