i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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