I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
