Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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