Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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