GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
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I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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