He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
