Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Can I color on your dick again?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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