I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
