It's Friday. Sex?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
