a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
