my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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