i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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