I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize