Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
