I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
