I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You're like the curious george of whores
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Randomize
