I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
