I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
