I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
