Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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