I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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