Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
